I was raised in a Christian home and went to a church where I was clearly taught the gospel my entire life. However, as I grew older I became very skeptical and rejected Christianity. I always respected my parents and church leaders (in general – I was a real pain sometimes!) because they were sincere, loving, and moral people but I thought they were tragically mistaken when it came to their belief system. As I came to doubt the truth of Christianity, I wrestled with all the big questions such as the reliability of the bible, the existence of God, the deity of Christ, and the reality of heaven and hell.
I was a very serious person, even at a young age, and read voraciously. I didn't fully realize exactly which philosophies were influencing me at the time, but I knew that I was searching for meaning, purpose, and fulfillment and not finding it. Looking back now, I see that evolution and humanism were two of the main philosophies I was wrestling with. I recall clearly understanding and believing evolution in third grade! I read quite a bit of serious science fiction and I came to believe that the universe and human life were result of chance and blind force, and that moral principles only had value if human beings agreed upon them.
At the same time I was very idealistic and ambitious. I sought fulfillment through personal achievement in athletics, academics, and social recognition such as prestige and position. I had quite a bit of success and some failures in all those areas, but I was still lacking meaning and fulfillment.
I began to wonder again whether I should re-evaluate religion and Christianity. I was sixteen years old and still very serious, starting to sink my teeth in to philosophy at that time. I read everything from the ancient philosophy to new age books. At that time, a pastor who was also an engineer at Caterpillar, took me aside and challenged me that I needed to decide what I really believed. Even though I was young and arrogant, he took my objections seriously and patiently talked with me. As he talked with me, he would gently remind me that deciding what I believed was not only important for this life, but it was ultimately important because my eternal soul hung in the balance.
The pastor gave me several interesting books to read on apologetics. These books were new to me and seemed to take a much different approach to Christianity that was unlike most of the sermons I'd heard most of my life. The books were written especially to skeptics. So rather than merely asserting biblical truth, they explained some of the reasons and evidence for it. For example, I learned classical philosophical and theological arguments for and against the existence of God. I also read quite a few books examining the evidence for and against evolution. I found these arguments interesting and somewhat compelling, but not enough to convince me.
But then I began to read more about the reliability of the bible and the evidence mounted and mounted till I did find it very convincing. The archeological and historical evidence supporting the old testament was quite amazing, and in the new testament Luke's gospel and account of the Acts of the early church proved to be very reliable in many details of history and geography. At this point, I was beginning to worry that I might have to become a Christian.
A couple more books pointed out some of the logical arguments showing the consistency of Christ's teachings, and the compelling case that he did actually die and rise again. I was finally convinced and kept it to myself for a while to think long and hard. As I turned the evidence and arguments over in my mind, they only became more compelling and now I was convicted and afraid for my soul. I believed in God and I knew that I deserved his judgment, not grace or forgiveness.
I went back to my pastor and explained that I was convinced and convicted. He explained to me how I could have a restored relationship with God through Christ. He helped me get started growing spiritually. I discovered the peace of mind, meaning, purpose, and fulfillment that I had been searching for my whole life. Even when I didn't achieve every selfish thing I wanted, I found new meaning in relationships with people and I saw how God was teaching me and building my character in a way that was much more fulfilling than my selfish ambitions. I've been a Christian now for many years and I look for any opportunity I can to tell people, especially people who may have doubts, how they can find fulfillment in Christ, and know they have eternal life.
I especially enjoy talking with skeptics. Really I do. I think discussing and debating ideas is one of the most profound joys in life. Hence, my reading list, filled with books on just about every controversial subject you can imagine.
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